Torcliffe Devon, UK
About Me
Meet Your Narcissistic Trauma Informed Financial Coach,
Gina Blundell
How am I Qualified to Help You?
- CPD Accredited & Certified Narcissistic Trauma-Informed Coaching qualification.
- Brain spotting practitioner.
- Certified financial coach.
- Certified Narcissistic Abuse Specialist.
What I Do
I help women, like you who are transitioning through divorce and feel trapped and stuck in their marriage as they cannot see a way forward. I do this by showing you how to take the first steps to an empowered life so that you can thrive independently both emotionally and financially by letting go of the past and taking control by thriving in the next chapter of your life!
My Mission
Is to help women in going through divorce, process what they are going through. I come from a place of honesty and put myself in your shoes as much as possible. Taking you from a place of feeling stuck to coming unstuck and moving presently forward each day with whatever you are dealing with. I am an Accredited and Certified qualified Narcisstic Trauma Informed and a Certified Financial coach helping women to navigate their way through the process of divorce.
My Personal Story
I met Chris on holiday in the August of 1987, nearly 35 years ago at the time of writing. I was on holiday with friends, and he was on holiday with his friends.
At the time he was living in Newbury in Berkshire, and I was living in Leigh-on-Sea in Essex. The relationship moved very quickly; it was like a whirlwind.
When I look back, I was vulnerable and could see that perhaps things were going really quickly, but I just seemed to get caught up with it all.
He went to university within the year and I was working in London. He seemed very keen to invest in property so ‘we’ bought a flat in the August of 1988. Even though he was on the mortgage I was paying for the mortgage as I was the one working while he studied Computer Science at Manchester University. My friends at the time thought I was nuts doing this, however I continued to believe in the fairytale.
In 1991, I had been paying the mortgage for three years and we were married in June 1990. That year, his dad was diagnosed with a brain tumour. It hit Chris hard as he never really got on with his dad.
When Chris went to University I decided to study myself so that we could both progress our careers. I now realise that he never wanted that at all, he wanted to be seen to be the one that was better at everything than I was. I thought we were a team working together though we were far from that. It was all about manipulation and control from the start.
While Chris was at university the mortgage rate got higher and my monthly salary was paying for it. I had a meeting with the Halifax and they said that the flat would be repossessed if I couldn’t pay the mortgage. I knew I had to apply for a better job with more money which I managed to do again on my own. I now realise how much faith I had in our relationship, and that it was me making most of the sacrifices and he was letting me do just that.
I was supporting Chris in his studies and I thought he was supporting me, although I now realise there were many red flags when I look back.
It is now very clear to me through learning about these types of people, that he was very good at selling the dream of how things could be, although in reality it was far off that.
With any master manipulators they are lovely at times and then they swing in the opposite direction, which then forms a trauma bond. You then doubt yourself and think that you are the one in the wrong, you question yourself more and more until you’re so exhausted with it. The brain is there to keep you safe, so you shrink yourself to just survive. What I mean by that is that you make out that everything is fine but this is really a freeze response in relation to your nervous system. Even writing this, it’s hard to comprehend it all.
When we bought the flat, we both viewed different properties. When we bought the house, he was the one that viewed it initially and I just went to see it and he put an offer in. It was the same with the last house we bought together in Vernon Road including the holiday let in Devon. He made the majority of the decisions. Looking back I was so conditioned to agree with him. As it was too much hassle to have conversations or healthy discussions as he always said I was arguing with him. I now realise that this behaviour is called gaslighting, and this happened over and over again.
Up until Chris left university, I did realise he was quite controlling though I was still able to do my own thing as he wasn’t around much. I believed that everything would be ok when he left, although things just became worse over time. I always felt that all he was interested in was money and he worked all the hours God sent. We saved all the time and he just talked about building capital.
Whenever I challenged him, he would always react very angrily and shout as if this was the only way to live your life. Looking back, I can see that he hoarded money and to this day I really didn’t know what was going on with our finances.
When I left my career as a Management Accountant in 2002 to have my son, things became progressively worse. I threw myself into looking after my children and made friends with some of the mums from Kim’s, my daughters school. I also volunteered at the school though that wasn’t good enough in Chris’s eyes because we were doing up the house and needed to concentrate on doing that and helping ourselves move that forward even though I was doing that by looking after the children. Chris was away a lot with British Telecom, the company he worked at for over 30 years, my focus was always the children as they kept me going, I now realise how much.
Kim passed the 11 plus exam and went to Westcliff High School for Girls. When I left my career everything became my responsibility especially the children. He would do nothing for them except ask them about their schoolwork and little else. He didn’t ask about their friends and what leisure activities they were doing; it was always about what they had achieved. He made out that he was helping although it was always about him.
When Sam did his 11 plus exam he missed getting into a grammar school so ‘we’ decided to send him to Brentwood school, a private school. When Sam started at the school I felt that Chris really applied pressure for me to get a job to contribute to the School fees. I really didn’t want to go back to work and I was really looking for something that would work around me still being there for both Kim and Sam. It was then I looked at joining a home based business as I joined an agency at the time looking for part-time accountancy jobs and came across a network marketing company. I had come across them before when the children were younger so decided to try the products then looked more at the business behind the products. I joined a networking group and a few other things and made lots of friends in the company and through networking and loved it all. It was something that I could do for me apart from being a wife and mother.
I still had the responsibility of the school runs and extra activities. I always remember when Chris didn’t want to do something, he always used work as an excuse. He always made excuses when he didn’t want to socialise that he was too tired. I felt he never supported me in anything. It’s as if he hated me progressing in my life; he always had to be the best at anything and of course he knew everything. He didn’t make any effort with his own family thus abusing us all. In front of the neighbours he seemed this great person but then he would talk about them behind their back!
I decided to leave in 2018 and wrote him a letter explaining this and he wrote back saying he didn’t want to and still loved me. I now know he was love bombing me and hoovering (which means they promise all these things will happen) so I went back to him. I’ve learned so much these last few years how these people operate, and it is quite unbelievable. A cohesive person is much harder to detect and always plays the victim with everyone. Of course, at the time I thought things would change and they really didn’t because when I went back the abuse became worse.
You have to remember a toxic manipulative person are wired very differently to a normal person. As they view everyone as inferior to them. They cannot self-reflect and they see everything in black and white, there is no grey for them. When I was going through the divorce process, I saw who he really was. It was all about winning to him and you’re either for them or against them in their eyes.
Things were getting progressively worse in 2019 and by my birthday in April, things had got bad. I knew I had to do something though I was scared and felt so stuck. Bit by bit I left emotionally and did my own thing and didn’t tell him where I was going and then for some reason in July he started to ‘care’ though of course it was just manipulation. We went out for a meal and he was just saying what I wanted to hear. It was then I knew it really was the end for me and I saw a solicitor to see what I could do. It was just a matter of time. The catalyst for me was going on a trip in December when a friend said to me, you’re not really living your life! I just thought no I’m not. Not only was 2020 going to be a new year, but it was also the start of a new decade! I instructed my solicitor to write to Chris to say I wanted a divorce and he had 10 days to find a solicitor to represent himself. He just replied saying we’re sorting things out ourselves. He didn’t believe me until I filed for a divorce, only then did he instruct a solicitor.
That was the start of a rollercoaster ride and his mask fell right off! He was losing control of me, and he couldn’t stand it. Then in March the country went into lockdown and things became progressively worse living in the same house.
Sam had now finished school and was applying for university as we were all living in the same house it just became untenable and I knew I had to leave. It was suggested that I go to Devon as I own a holiday let there which was in my name. I was networking in Essex in person for my network marketing business and went to a few meetings each week. When everything went on-line, I thought why not and left in May 2020 to live in Devon.
It was the best decision I made. I was at peace and as the house was in my name it worked out perfectly. I didn’t really know anyone in Devon, but it was the best new start I needed, as I could do what I wanted and rest and recover too. The whole world was changing as well as my life which was quite surreal.
Looking back, I am so glad that I came to Devon to go through the divorce as when you change your environment everything changes. I just kept moving forward each day and stayed present as much as possible. It wasn’t easy, but as I have studied lots of personal development over the years and worked alongside a health and wellbeing company all these things helped. All my ex-husband tried to do was to get me back and win at all costs.
During the Divorce proceedings he literally wanted to keep everything. We had been married nearly 30 years and together for 33 so legally it means a 50/50 split. He dragged the divorce process out and it cost thousands of pounds more than it needed to. Even his own solicitor got fed up with him, the only people that made any money were the lawyers. I was being reasonable and tried to keep the legal costs down, but as he was not the costs just went up.
I’m just glad now that I can do what I want with my life when I want to. Going through the divorce was worth all the pain, and I am now living my best life empowering other women to do the same. It is a healing journey and I have been coached by some great people who I still work with now. I am blessed to have a network of people that were there for me as well as my longer-term friends.
When I went through my divorce, I lost a lot of friends (although they were not really friends in the first place). You do realise who your real friends are during times like this. Since living in Devon I have made lots of new friends and I really love living here.
In 1991, I had been paying the mortgage for three years and we were married in June 1990. That year, his dad was diagnosed with a brain tumour. It hit Chris hard as he never really got on with his dad.
When Chris went to University I decided to study myself so that we could both progress our careers. I now realise that he never wanted that at all, he wanted to be seen to be the one that was better at everything than I was. I thought we were a team working together though we were far from that. It was all about manipulation and control from the start.
While Chris was at university the mortgage rate got higher and my monthly salary was paying for it. I had a meeting with the Halifax and they said that the flat would be repossessed if I couldn’t pay the mortgage. I knew I had to apply for a better job with more money which I managed to do again on my own. I now realise how much faith I had in our relationship, and that it was me making most of the sacrifices and he was letting me do just that.
I was supporting Chris in his studies and I thought he was supporting me, although I now realise there were many red flags when I look back.
It is now very clear to me through learning about these types of people, that he was very good at selling the dream of how things could be, although in reality it was far off that.
With any master manipulators they are lovely at times and then they swing in the opposite direction, which then forms a trauma bond. You then doubt yourself and think that you are the one in the wrong, you question yourself more and more until you’re so exhausted with it. The brain is there to keep you safe, so you shrink yourself to just survive. What I mean by that is that you make out that everything is fine but this is really a freeze response in relation to your nervous system. Even writing this, it’s hard to comprehend it all.
When we bought the flat, we both viewed different properties. When we bought the house, he was the one that viewed it initially and I just went to see it and he put an offer in. It was the same with the last house we bought together in Vernon Road including the holiday let in Devon. He made the majority of the decisions. Looking back I was so conditioned to agree with him. As it was too much hassle to have conversations or healthy discussions as he always said I was arguing with him. I now realise that this behaviour is called gaslighting, and this happened over and over again.
Up until Chris left university, I did realise he was quite controlling though I was still able to do my own thing as he wasn’t around much. I believed that everything would be ok when he left, although things just became worse over time. I always felt that all he was interested in was money and he worked all the hours God sent. We saved all the time and he just talked about building capital.
Whenever I challenged him, he would always react very angrily and shout as if this was the only way to live your life. Looking back, I can see that he hoarded money and to this day I really didn’t know what was going on with our finances.
When I left my career as a Management Accountant in 2002 to have my son, things became progressively worse. I threw myself into looking after my children and made friends with some of the mums from Kim’s, my daughters school. I also volunteered at the school though that wasn’t good enough in Chris’s eyes because we were doing up the house and needed to concentrate on doing that and helping ourselves move that forward even though I was doing that by looking after the children. Chris was away a lot with British Telecom, the company he worked at for over 30 years, my focus was always the children as they kept me going, I now realise how much.
Kim passed the 11 plus exam and went to Westcliff High School for Girls. When I left my career everything became my responsibility especially the children. He would do nothing for them except ask them about their schoolwork and little else. He didn’t ask about their friends and what leisure activities they were doing; it was always about what they had achieved. He made out that he was helping although it was always about him.
When Sam did his 11 plus exam he missed getting into a grammar school so ‘we’ decided to send him to Brentwood school, a private school. When Sam started at the school I felt that Chris really applied pressure for me to get a job to contribute to the School fees. I really didn’t want to go back to work and I was really looking for something that would work around me still being there for both Kim and Sam. It was then I looked at joining a home based business as I joined an agency at the time looking for part-time accountancy jobs and came across a network marketing company. I had come across them before when the children were younger so decided to try the products then looked more at the business behind the products. I joined a networking group and a few other things and made lots of friends in the company and through networking and loved it all. It was something that I could do for me apart from being a wife and mother.
I still had the responsibility of the school runs and extra activities. I always remember when Chris didn’t want to do something, he always used work as an excuse. He always made excuses when he didn’t want to socialise that he was too tired. I felt he never supported me in anything. It’s as if he hated me progressing in my life; he always had to be the best at anything and of course he knew everything. He didn’t make any effort with his own family thus abusing us all. In front of the neighbours he seemed this great person but then he would talk about them behind their back!
I decided to leave in 2018 and wrote him a letter explaining this and he wrote back saying he didn’t want to and still loved me. I now know he was love bombing me and hoovering (which means they promise all these things will happen) so I went back to him. I’ve learned so much these last few years how these people operate, and it is quite unbelievable. A cohesive person is much harder to detect and always plays the victim with everyone. Of course, at the time I thought things would change and they really didn’t because when I went back the abuse became worse.
You have to remember a toxic manipulative person are wired very differently to a normal person. As they view everyone as inferior to them. They cannot self-reflect and they see everything in black and white, there is no grey for them. When I was going through the divorce process, I saw who he really was. It was all about winning to him and you’re either for them or against them in their eyes.
Things were getting progressively worse in 2019 and by my birthday in April, things had got bad. I knew I had to do something though I was scared and felt so stuck. Bit by bit I left emotionally and did my own thing and didn’t tell him where I was going and then for some reason in July he started to ‘care’ though of course it was just manipulation. We went out for a meal and he was just saying what I wanted to hear. It was then I knew it really was the end for me and I saw a solicitor to see what I could do. It was just a matter of time. The catalyst for me was going on a trip in December when a friend said to me, you’re not really living your life! I just thought no I’m not. Not only was 2020 going to be a new year, but it was also the start of a new decade! I instructed my solicitor to write to Chris to say I wanted a divorce and he had 10 days to find a solicitor to represent himself. He just replied saying we’re sorting things out ourselves. He didn’t believe me until I filed for a divorce, only then did he instruct a solicitor.
That was the start of a rollercoaster ride and his mask fell right off! He was losing control of me, and he couldn’t stand it. Then in March the country went into lockdown and things became progressively worse living in the same house.
Sam had now finished school and was applying for university as we were all living in the same house it just became untenable and I knew I had to leave. It was suggested that I go to Devon as I own a holiday let there which was in my name. I was networking in Essex in person for my network marketing business and went to a few meetings each week. When everything went on-line, I thought why not and left in May 2020 to live in Devon.
It was the best decision I made. I was at peace and as the house was in my name it worked out perfectly. I didn’t really know anyone in Devon, but it was the best new start I needed, as I could do what I wanted and rest and recover too. The whole world was changing as well as my life which was quite surreal.
Looking back, I am so glad that I came to Devon to go through the divorce as when you change your environment everything changes. I just kept moving forward each day and stayed present as much as possible. It wasn’t easy, but as I have studied lots of personal development over the years and worked alongside a health and wellbeing company all these things helped. All my ex-husband tried to do was to get me back and win at all costs.
During the Divorce proceedings he literally wanted to keep everything. We had been married nearly 30 years and together for 33 so legally it means a 50/50 split. He dragged the divorce process out and it cost thousands of pounds more than it needed to. Even his own solicitor got fed up with him, the only people that made any money were the lawyers. I was being reasonable and tried to keep the legal costs down, but as he was not the costs just went up.
I’m just glad now that I can do what I want with my life when I want to. Going through the divorce was worth all the pain, and I am now living my best life empowering other women to do the same. It is a healing journey and I have been coached by some great people who I still work with now. I am blessed to have a network of people that were there for me as well as my longer-term friends.
When I went through my divorce, I lost a lot of friends (although they were not really friends in the first place). You do realise who your real friends are during times like this. Since living in Devon I have made lots of new friends and I really love living here.
I hope sharing my story gives you encouragement that you are not alone.
I look forward to welcoming you to my retreats to learn more about your journey and how I can help.
From Victim to Thrive mode: How I’m feeling now?
Healing is a lifelong journey and when I look back at what I have been through I can now join the dots.
What I mean by that is when you look back at your life you can see the things that have happened with the choices you made to bring you to the current moment you’re in.
I am now free to live the life that I want to live and it feels absolutely amazing.
I feel so much better than I could have ever expected, and I have found that taking action each day is the key to growing in confidence. For example, having a routine each day to exercise. Mine is yoga, pilates swimming, long walks and working with a purpose on what I want to do.
The first step in anything that you do is scary, although I have found that you need to feel scared and then take action/do the action.
What I mean by that is when you look back at your life you can see the things that have happened with the choices you made to bring you to the current moment you’re in.
I am now free to live the life that I want to live and it feels absolutely amazing.
I feel so much better than I could have ever expected, and I have found that taking action each day is the key to growing in confidence. For example, having a routine each day to exercise. Mine is yoga, pilates swimming, long walks and working with a purpose on what I want to do.
The first step in anything that you do is scary, although I have found that you need to feel scared and then take action/do the action.
Like Nike – “Just Do It!”
Courage is not the absence of fear, it is facing the fear and pushing through. It’s important to stay focused on what you want and be intentional with that goal every day. It’s not easy although anything is possible when you focus on what you want to achieve.
As I said, healing is a journey leaning into the triggers and I am still on that journey.
It is not that you’re never going to be triggered again, it is about being aware of the triggers and leaning into why you feel triggered, what is the reason? Is it what somebody said to you?
When I moved to Devon, I didn’t know anyone, even though I had had the house for nearly 9 years. Living in the family home became untenable and I knew I had to do something. The pain of staying where I was became greater than the pain of moving on.
When Covid hit in March of 2020 I knew I had to act. The option was to go to Devon, as the world became a lot smaller with everyone on zoom. I knew I could still connect with people online in Essex or in Devon. Only a couple of people knew what I was doing, and I just packed a few things and left in May 2020 as Sam was 18 in the April and therefore an adult and I’ve been here ever since.
The decision wasn’t easy…. and remember, nothing ever is, but we all have a choice.
I help women, like you who are transitioning through divorce and feel trapped and stuck in their marriage as they cannot see a way forward. I do this by showing you how to take the first steps to an empowered life so that you can thrive independently both emotionally and financially by letting go of the past and taking control by thriving in the next chapter of your lives!
As I said, healing is a journey leaning into the triggers and I am still on that journey.
It is not that you’re never going to be triggered again, it is about being aware of the triggers and leaning into why you feel triggered, what is the reason? Is it what somebody said to you?
When I moved to Devon, I didn’t know anyone, even though I had had the house for nearly 9 years. Living in the family home became untenable and I knew I had to do something. The pain of staying where I was became greater than the pain of moving on.
When Covid hit in March of 2020 I knew I had to act. The option was to go to Devon, as the world became a lot smaller with everyone on zoom. I knew I could still connect with people online in Essex or in Devon. Only a couple of people knew what I was doing, and I just packed a few things and left in May 2020 as Sam was 18 in the April and therefore an adult and I’ve been here ever since.
The decision wasn’t easy…. and remember, nothing ever is, but we all have a choice.
I help women, like you who are transitioning through divorce and feel trapped and stuck in their marriage as they cannot see a way forward. I do this by showing you how to take the first steps to an empowered life so that you can thrive independently both emotionally and financially by letting go of the past and taking control by thriving in the next chapter of your lives!
Gina x
Book A Clarity Call
See how my trauma-informed coaching can help you transition through divorce
